Ten Steps to Writing the Best Harry Potter Fanfic
by amo-scribere
Summary: A parody. How to write amazing mary-sues, completely butcher the English language, and much much more! Ten simple steps to writing the best Harry Potter fanfic ever!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N So this is simply a parody, poking fun at some of the worst fics in this archive. I don't mean offense to anybody. Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter…**

New to fan fiction? Well lucky for you I have ten simple steps to writing the best Harry Potter fan fiction ever! Trust me, with this advice, your fan fiction will be right up there with all of our favorite classics such as My Immortal and Joe Belle at Hogwarts!

1. Let's start with an important part of every story- spelling and grammar. Now every good author know that using any sort of spelling or grammar is just plain wrong. Nope, if you want your story to be good you must hopelessly butcher the English language until the point where you can barely read it!

_I was excited because I was going to Hogwarts, a school for young witches and wizards._

Now was that fun to read? Of course not! Where was the challenge? Here's how it should have been written…

_Me wz xcited b/c iz goin to hUgwats a scool 4 ung w'ichs ad wzrds1111111_

See how much better that is! Doesn't it just flow off the page! Time for step 2…

2. So now that we have that out of the way, let move on to the beginning of every story- the author's note! Now an author's note is the perfect way to spew your hate at the world, while telling us useless things about your personal lives. That's right, we want to hear all about how much you love your boyfriend (whose name you can't spell) and rather your racist, homophobic, sexist, or just plain mean! And for extra credit, include a really corny joke that is so stupid you have to write "get it?" in parenthesis next to it. Here's an example of a great authors note:

_Stop flaming u lozers! My story is awesome so shut the eff up! Oh and thanks to my nonexistent boyfriend for betaing! I love you!_

It just goes on from there. On to step 3…

3. You know what I said about spewing hate at some group of people? Yah, well don't stop at just the author's note, spew hate throughout the whole story! For example, you live in the US and hate "northerners", all the good guys will have southern accents and all bad guys will have northern accents (disregarding the fact that all characters are British). And who wants to kill death eaters, when you can kill ugly, stupid northerners! *Remember the word "northerners" is exchangeable with any other group of people.* Now let's talk about a main character!

4. So your main character is obviously an OC. I mean, people don't come to the Harry Potter archive to read about Harry Potter characters. That would be silly! Normally, I would suggest just having an OC contest so you don't have to go to the trouble of making up a character, but then they wouldn't be nearly mary-sue enough! But don't worry, making a mary-sue is super easy. To start, they must have at least four names. And make sure to add in a random apostrophe for effect.

_Hi my name is Crystal Magi'c Sparkle Pony Rainbow Awesomeness Cloud Shimmer. But you can call me Crystal because it's impossible to memorize my full name._

Ok so once you have a name, you need a personality. Oh wait, that's way too much work! Instead, just make her super beautiful and perfect at everything! Plus add in a random abusive background for dramatic effect. Or if you don't feel like making her a family, just stick her with the Potters or Weasleys!

5. So now that you have the perfect character, you have to describe her. She must be absolutely beautiful (duh), but the description doesn't have to make any sense. Here's an example:

_I have sparkling blond hair that goes all the way to down to my feet. My eyes are the same soft lavender as a new born unicorn. I'm really skinny, but not in an anorexic way. I am mega hot and sexy._

Don't you have a clear image of the character now? But don't just describe the character. Make sure you give ALL the details about ALL her outfits. These can vary or be the same, as long as they are all very slutty. And remember, it not a good description if it doesn't use the word "stuff" at least five times.

Well, that's all for now. Check back later for five more ways to make you Harry Potter fan fiction fabulous!

**A/N teehee, I have to admit that was fun to write. So tell me what you think! They'll be a second chapter with the last five steps posted later.**


	2. Chapter 2

A/N so here is another chapter! Thanks to everybody who reviewed! Im glad i could put a smile on your faces:D

And we're back with only five steps left until you can write your fabulous fanfic! Here's step 6...

6. Ok, now that we have a good main character, let's throw some actual Harry Potter characters into the fic. Harry, Draco, Hermione... They can all come in the background. Of course, writing them how they are in the book is too bothersome! Plus people want to see a fresh twist on those old characters! I mean j k Rowling doesn't have to dictate how you write Harry Potter characters, it's not like she owns the series! So throw tradition out the window and go totally OOC (however you must claim to your dying day that no one is acting OOC). There are so many ways to do this! Make Dumbledore a cheerleader, Harry evil, Draco a ballerina, or just make everyone worship your mary-sue completely. Or take the route of My Immortal and turn all the characters into goth bisexual depressed slytherin satanists! *Note: To make the reader have to think even more, give all the characters new nicknames their always called by!*

Harry's scar was gone now and he got really into showtunes and started dressing like a garden gnome to "find himself". So now we call him Bumblebee. Bumblebee was chatting with his BFF Fairy Princess (he was called Draco, but ever since he saw Barbie fairytopia he's been really nice and walked around with fake pink wings. Now he and Bumblebee hang out all the time.)

Now isn't that way more interesting than the usual characters? Don't sweat it though, your characters don't actually have to make any sense, as long as there as OOC as possible.

7. Now onto the real point of the fanfic, pairing your OC with the Harry Potter guy you find hottest! They need to be deeply in love, with said boy confessing his love for your OC at least every other chapter. In fact, said boy should worship the ground your character walks on! And don't worry about the whole meeting and friendship blah blah, it will be love at first site. To keep things intense, make sure to include a poorly written sex scene at least every third chapter. *Note: These should be told using terms such as "thingy" "you-know-what" and "it". * On to step 8!

8. So you know all that stuff you learned about the world of Harry Potter by reading the books (or seeing the movies)? Yah, well throw it all out the window! Hogwarts is in Scotland? Who cares! It makes much more sense if you put it in Siberia! And wait, Harry's parents are dead? Not as far as your concerned! The actual facts from the books don't matter, they'll only drag down your story. People respect a fanfic a lot more when they feel like the author has never even seen the movies, much less read the books! Emptied your head of Harry Potter trivia? Well than you're ready for step 9!

9. There's an invisible line between the muggle world and the wizarding world. They have different entertainment, schools, stores... Well its time you erase that line! I mean what Harry Potter characters dont like to see muggle bands perform at Hogsmeade? Ok well most of them, but their all OOC remember. You can blab all about their favorite muggle stores (even if their American, people do fly across oceans just to go shopping), have all the characters cruise around in muggle cars, and have everybody use muggle electronic devices- on Hogwarts campus! Go muggle!

10. So the final step is to have the perfect ending. Each chapter should have a cliff hanger to end it. Here are some great examples.

{Random muggle band} is having a concert at Hogsmeade!

*gasp* My boyfriend has a tattoo that says I 3 bumblebee!

The Gringotts vault was full of money!

Weren't those all just so gripping!

Now I know you're thinking * how do I end the whole story*, but don't worry about! There's a 90% chance that people will be so awed by the awesomeness of you story, they won't even make it to the end! If you're worried someone will make it to the end of your story go for the surprise twist- make the universe blow up! Then you don't have to worry about wrapping up characters and plots or nasty sequel requests.

So now you've got the ten steps to make your fanfiction spectacular! Get to work! Still worried it won't be perfect? Then stay tuned and next time I'll tell you 4 things you need to avoid at all costs! That's right; we'll keep away the C.R.A.P!

A/N so originally I was gonna stop her but this is too much fun to write :) Anyway i didnt like this as much as the first chapter, but oh well. Plz tell me what you think, reviews brighten my day:D


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